FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE SEPTEMBER 20, 2004
Presenting the METASONIX TX-1 Agonizer SPECIAL EDITION.
It sucks even harder.
NOTE: a large photo of the Agonizer Special Edition may be found at the following address:
Earlier this year, we put out a horrific noise-box. It had an insulting press release. It had sadomasochistic cartoons right on the front panel.
And in spite of all this, AND repeated warnings NOT TO BUY IT, the original Metasonix TX-1 Agonizer became the fastest-selling product in our company’s history!
The entire limited run was gone in 2 months.
And even after they were gone, people were screaming for more.
So how do we follow up such an ATROCITY? With MORE ATROCITY, of course.
Presenting the Special UNACCEPTABLE EDITION of the Agonizer.
It chews genitals even harder.
It’s a CELEBRITY genital chewer.
So, like, what makes it more awful? We’ve changed some of the circuit components to add just that little extra smidge of massive, atonal distortion effecto thingy. It’s now fully OPTIMIZED for bad tone and crappy sound. Now the family dog has deeply clamped his teeth into your scrotal sac, and he’s starting to really get into the chewy goodness of your tender manhood. He’s wiggling around, it feels good. Tastes sort of like fried chicken with mashed potatoes, apparently. (Hey, all I do is repeat what the dog tells me to repeat.) Woof woof, feel the love.
The Agonizer SPECIAL EDITION adds a SUCKBASS switch, d00d. It’s called SUCKBASS, because it SUCKS the BASS out of your beautiful musical tone. It’s a highpass filter. Makes it sound real constipated and boogery. Sounds like ass? Well, sonny, smoke that blunt, and just pretend this is an IKEA catalog.
And the new edition of the Agonizer still bears cartoons of naked women torturing animals. Even the Fleetwood Mac fans out there (you can recognize them by the many small dogs clamped onto their nether regions) should be able to figure out the meaning.
WHAT IS THIS THING: The TX-1 SPECIAL EDITION still uses a nasty, junky tube. It was used as the audio FM demodulator in TV sets. It was NOT meant for high-fidelity applications, it was meant for “budget” TV sets. Cheap-ass black-and-white sets, for po’folks. For some reason, Zenith had a real fondness for it. It was the white-trash portable TV sound system.
Our circuit uses it in a most ingenious way, if we do say so ourselves. The Agonizer SE hooks up the tube in an incorrect fashion. Because Eric (our designer) has a brilliant yet devious turn of mind, he thought of doing something with this “beam-deflection demodulator hexode” that the tube manfacturers never dreamed of doing.
In our circuit, this tube has ungodly amounts of distortion. And of course, Eric just had to make it worse, by putting a positive feedback loop around it. A neon lamp in the feedback loop plus clever use of the tube’s very odd electrical behavior causes all kinds of non-stability, plus loads of grinding squegging nausea.
There’s still a pentode-tube preamp in the front end, so nosepicking METALLICA fans can plug their cheap-ass Asian-made guitars into it and get something similar to the sound of a giant amp stack belching smoke and going up in flames.
SPECIFICATIONS: HA HA HA HA. Even after you got teeth marks all over your johnson, you STILL wanna see “specifications”?? Now we understand what happened to Paris Hilton’s little dog Tinkerbell. They couldn’t find Tinkerbell because she was trying to gnaw your dope-addled weiner off. Isn’t that right? I bet she gave up and went home, because your sausage tasted more like METALLICA than like yummy boy-meat. Ugh. Have some specifications, ya suck-monkey.
The Agonizer’s overall gain is more than 100. You can’t tell anyway, because of the GROSS distortion imposed in most control settings. Plate voltage is approx. 120v. The LEVEL knob is the input level control. The POUND knob varies the voltage on the deflection grid in the tube–which changes the gain and the distortion character. The CV input allows you to insert a control voltage in the grid, so you can modulate the distortion OR add another audio signal modulation to the noise. The STRANGLE knob brings the neon lamp into play. The overload effect increases further when the lamp conducts. And the GRIND knob controls the feedback loop. More GRIND, more horrible intermodulation distortion. Finally, “SUCK HARDER” is the bypass switch.
Don’t taste the rainbow, taste the smegma.
No, the Agonizer STILL doesn’t run on a nine-volt battery, dinkface. It still sucks power like a
mofo: 12 volts AC at 1.5 amps maximum. It’s a BIG box, too: about 8″ x 4.5″ x 2.5″, and weighing
4 pounds. Yes, roughly four times bigger than a typical cheapass fuzz pedal. It gets quite hot when powered for extended periods. Best of all, it’s painted the most bilious shade of UV-reactive yellow-green our powdercoating shop could find. We told them, “The old one was too cute! We want people to VOMIT!” And somehow, Rob and his maniacs managed to cause vomitude. Nice work, fellas.
The AGONIZER SPECIAL EDITION is HAND-MADE in the USA. AND IT IS A LIMITED EDITION OF 100.
Now will you please stop smoking that stinkweed and remove the tiny dog from your crotch? The neighbors are starting to talk.
Yeah, the retail price is still US $ 499.
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
METASONIX (attn. Eric)
PMB 109, 881 11th Street, Lakeport CA 95453 USA phone/fax (707) 263-5343 firstname.lastname@example.org, www.metasonix.com